I want this cough to go away. actually.. I'll trade you a cough for no more stuffyness. breathing is good. ben's truck is effed. so hes getting.. another truck? whatttttttt. I want to be... worshiped. not in the way jeff worshipped me or mike.. in the way.. that I am someone's world.. ben's world. I guess... its because I actually love this one. for reall. and it might be different. I mean.. I am his world..in the literal sense.. I'm always there.. with him... but I want to know that he constantly thinks about me and wonders what I'm doing and where I am and why I'm not with him. I want him to prove to me.. I guess.. that we're being real.. and it's sad that I need that proof. but I need it. often. because one negative thing just ruins it all.. and I can't deal with that. ahh fuck. The best way to describe it is.. when we're laying.. and snuggling.. and he's "big spoon" and his arms are wrapped so tightly around me.. this overwhelming feeling of stability over comes me. and eventhoguh its so painful to sleep like that... I stay there for a while... because I feel like its his way of telling me how he feels... its his way of showing me how much he cares. lord knows there will never be communication between us.. or any that makes the least bit of sense.. but we've figured eachother out. and when I leave and I'm still mad.. or grumpy.. or whatever I am.. no matter what.. when I get home.. or in the car, I just want to be back there with him. sleeping. the greatest sleep I've ever gotten was with him. For some reason, this night, he wasn't wearing a shirt and we curled up facing eachother... like hugging, and slept in that position.. the entire night. did not move. I always move.. and break away.. but keep a hand on him.. or he keeps a hand on my back to.. assure me he's there.. but not this night. and I slept so well, and I wish I could have that night every night.. I need him to fall asleep with.