when there are things to be done I can't concentrate.. what so ever. when my room isnt clean, when the kitchen isn't clean, when I have a head ache, when I don't. I just can not concentrate, i constantly get up and do things.. ahh. a while ago ben told me he was going to Rhode Island for work.. he had to take some class thing I guess. when he first mentioned it I thought he'd be going down to see Jay, and he said nooo class blah blah blah, explained it, and I just ignored him. as I usually do. So then last night we were talking and he closed his eyes so I said NO SLEEPING. and he said he had to get up at 3 and I was like hmmmm why?. and he said rhode island.. and i said yes right I remember now. so basically he's going to be gone until friday. FUCKING FRIDAY. hes staying with jay tonight, wednesday and thursday and driving back friday... jay means partying.. partying means.. ahh. I'm so tired of feeling like this. really, I am, and tired of being tired. I wish he understood, but I think its better that he doesnt, because, well, it just is. soo I wont see him forever.. or talk to him.. and he'll be out partying.. with people.. girls especially. and I can't deal with that. Im only like this because we've never committed or anything, never even said something about it, so thats where we are.. where we've been. since May. so I got mad. and just went to the side of the bed next to the wall, where his back would be to me, faced the wall and closed my eyes. he got up to pack, so I just layed there. got on the computer to check some stock things and very coldly said "you have an im".. hi ignored me... a few minutes later I repeated myself, he said "I know" he never said anything back. and just left his thing on. it was a girl. but who? ahhhh so then he layed down and I finished what I was doing, and went to go back tow here I was laying before, but he put his arm out and wouldn't let me. he said "stop pretending you're mad at me" very coldly, I said "who said I was mad, why would I be mad at you" he said I dont know he knew. I knew he knew. fucking ahhhhh I dont know wha tto do, he haunts the back of my mind, I have to be with him to fall asleep, or think that hes there and think about the way he pulls me on top of him and wraps his arms around my back, squeezing as hard as he could. I hate him so much for making me fall for him, I hate him for letting me, and not talking about it. I tell him I hate him so bad, everyday, more than once, but what I really feel is the opposite. so much that it hurts and distracts me so much. and hes so dumb and I'm so mean and I push him away.