I love school. I loveee it so much. boston. people.. the classes. so great. but I'm tired already.. and we're only a week in. I have work to do in the morning for class.. work is good. life is.. complicating. ben's gone. and I can't figure out if I want to be there or not. some days I just want to be there and that's it and everything would be great... but sometimes (the times when I'm not sitting at home.. when I'm out with people.. being a real person) I just can't imagine living down there. I dont want to be miserable but I think I kind of am. I feel like I have been happy lately but at the same time not. I've had some distractions. so pretty awesome distractions. I might apartment-sit in portland for a couple weeks... that would be great. it would also mean trouble... lotsssss of trouble. I just want to go blow all my money on clothes. fun things. not school books and crap like that. I want help. I need to get stuff ready for tomorrow morning.. that would be a good idea... I need a car. so bad. I don't want to spend the money on that either... not at all.. the insurance would be so high.. I can't even imagine. But do I have any other option? not really. larry can kind of drive mimi and grampys car.. until they leave.. but then what? I feel a little neglected. Left behind. alone. I think a part of it is I am not getting what I want... my games aren't working, things like that. that's always disappointing. I also want a puppy... and for my favvvorite bcbg stilettos to not be ruined.. they are. i discovered that tonight... the leather ripped. ugh. I feel like I don't have a plan... things have never worked out... at least without great failure to begin with. I think I miss ben a lot more than I am letting myself believe. I miss the security. I wish I could get past some of the stuff thats happened... I can't. And I'm afraid that I'm not going to... not for a long long time. i dont have oatmeal. crap. what am I going to eat tomorrow morning. where is my rain jacket? I need to get my life together for tomorrow... and go to sleep. mmm sleep.