sometimes I feel like I won't be able to get past the next few minutes.. and sometimes, i'm absolutely fine. my dreams the last two nights included him.. and his arms around me. and us talking. REM sleep is supposed to work out the problems that the brain can't work out during the day.. I don't want to think or dream about him Things make me want to cry... things like "pulling hair" andddd her and thinking he is okay and hasn't said anything. I get it if he fell for someone else or whatever. but come on. as much as we love to think ben is the only person in this world.. hes not. I just. didn't need this now. college crap is kicking my ass.. I'm stressed. I need him sometimes, he is where I went when everything else sucked. He wasn't intwined into the mess I call my life. He was seperate. my safety. and he's not there. and i know I need better, and deserve better, but I sadly still want him. I have no desire to kiss or sleep with or have sex with anyone else. at all. and I feel like I won't be able to get past that. I need to. I don't want to cry. I don't want to think. I'm just hurt. and I over analyze and that hurts me even more, and I ask questions and that hurts even more. It's very tiring. and painful. and yet, all I want to do is for him to call and say come over. I need to see you. I know I'll give in. but I know he won't call. he won't. maybe later.. maybe days.. or weeks.. maybe not for months. why can't I have someone that just.. loves me to death.. and cares and .. ahh. caleb. nick. why can't I have one like that. why have I made this all so messed up. and how can he go from one day saying I miss you blah blah blah muah tooo YES and NO.. and OKAY I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE TO NOT SEEING YOU ANYMORE, I AM JUST A PIECE OF CRAP WHO NEEDS TO GROW SOME. I wish he broke it off. I do. but he wouldn't. if anything.. he would have just stopped talking...