It turns out he called.. I knew he would have. but of course my phone didn't ring because it sucks.. I think it was good to not see each other for a night despite the fact that we wanted to..

it was nice to see him tonight.. beyond nice. I don't think I could describe how great it was..

We talk about everything. We were talking tonight about how he is concerned about my past.. and how possible it is for me to just lose interest and drop him.. I would never.. could never. I told him basically what ben was in a nut shell... and verbalizing that and sharing the whole 3 and a half years with someone.. it was nice. it was nice to share it with the same person who turned it all around for me. He has proven.. finalized.. that there are better things and people out there for me.

I told him not to worry, asked him not to worry because if anything it will be the other way around. I think he understands how different it is for me to be vulnerable like this and to share my feelings like this. He just makes it easy and necessary. He makes it okay to share these feelings.. and even if we don't make it, no matter where this goes and how long. I know that he has had a huge part in getting me past my past.. he has helped me to grow emotionally so much in such a small amount of time, it's huge.

So whether we last until January when he leaves... or don't last at all. Whether he leaves us as friends, or something more.. at least I have that.

This attachment isn't the insecure.. low self esteemed me searching for someone to love me. This is me finding someone on my level.. finally. and not running in the other direction. This is someone who meets me half way emotionally and physically. This is a boy who tells me I am beautiful and how lucky he is.. constantly. And not in a way that is annoying or inappropriate. I still have a hard time acknowledging the compliments but it's something that I am working on.. I hate that there is a time limit. I hate that the end of the time limit means across the world..

Tonight he told me that there aren't many girls that impede him to not sleep with other girls.. and that he doesn't have that desire with me. He said that he doesn't put himself in vulnerable situations like this, and all I can think and feel and say is that I'm glad we are on the same level and in the same place with each other.