230 am... text meessage.. Ben.. "you sleeping?' what the fuck its 230 in the morning of course I'm sleeping. so he continues to talk, and I continue to be very short with him. and he asks me to come over. I asked him why... then he continued on to talk.. and eventually I said yes. I went over. Why don't I have control, why can't I just say no to him. I don't understand it. I feel so sick. and I act like I don't care... for the most part. but I don't understand why I would go over. and just be okay with it all. He was acting like he has always.. I feel like if I were to bring it up, he would avoid talking about it, or I dont know.. make it worse somehow.. by saying he doesnt care.. because that's how it seems. and honestly, that's all I can techinically expect. we never said that... ahh. we never talked about the emotional part of it. just the sex.. I don't want to bring it up, and then feel worse about it. I guess when I talked to him, I looked at it from the angle that he apparently still wants me. but the key word is want... not care.. wants.. and thats hard.. its hard to decipher between the two. and he's never talked about any of it. and when we layed there.. Its like, is he like this with her.. do they have all these inside jokes.. why is he always with her, not me. ahh it made me feel even more sick, and I was right next to him, and there was no way I could talk about it.. I'd be shot down.. or ignored.. or he'd brush it off, or get mad.. he's never gotten mad at me.. or I don't know. there needs to be a way to get rid of this. and I guess I understand the people who stay with the person who constantly hurts them.. or the relationship is just crap.. because I'm doing the same thing... I mean, i don't expect things to "get better" but I want them to, and its almost to the point where I think, well I guess I'll stay around as long as he wants me around.. and I shouldn't be degrading myself to that. it's terrible. and I feel terrible all the time.. but its not all him.. its everything. I need so much sleep.. and ahhh this is all bad.. and I don't know. I tried to be angry with him, and he said, " you don't seem happy" and I said, do I ever? and he said "yes" its like.. no. I'm happy when I'm around you.. sometimes. thats the extent of it. I want to throw up. and I want him to wake me up again, that's the sick thing.