Maybe I think that if I replay my nights over and over and turn the memories into words... they will make more sense.

At the same time.. I feel like if I talk about it, and think about it too much then it loses validity. I feel like it is less true and less likely and like I am creating these situations.

Saturday. Obliterated. wonderful.

We were upstairs... and Colin kissed me. like make out kind of kiss.. and Markus walked by. WALKED BY. of course he did. I shoved Colin away. I was so pissed. and I yelled at Colin.

M was pissed. so pissed. Every time I said something to him he would get all snotty and tell me colin this, colin that. go home with colin blah blah.

It was obvious he was not pleased..

And this is good, right? I've gotten no emotion out of the kid.. no indication that he is interested (other than our sleepovers) I can never get him to admit that he's interested... or he cares... he always says he doesn't care... he doesn't care if I get on the last boat.. he doesn't care if I flirt with jackman... he doesn't care if I leave and go to the legion... nope.

but saturday, he cared. he did! right? I mean he was drunk.. we were all very drunk. but he was definitely not pleased with it.

so then, THEN he and colin were talking... yeah and markus referred to me as "his girl". he said something about C messing with HIS girl... and they talked but after I heard that I kind of walked away.. avoided the situation.

We didn't play sleepover that night. he was too drunk for sex... too drunk. I was too drunk for sex. I totally would have just snuggled, that would have been phenomenal. Did I tell him that? Things are a little scattered but I texted him sunday and he didn't answer... twice.

So I am debating... and by debating i mean fighting the urge to... text him and ask him if he wants to hang out saturday.. like together. not necessarily at a party.. maybe before? just chill kind of deal. But I don't even know what to say or where to start. I feel like I have to word things in a certain way for him, and I feel like he won't respond. He rarely responds...

He responds when we're drunk.. that's when.

So I don't know what to say to him.. if anything. I feel like i shouldn't ask him what he's doing.. that I should just outright say, let's hang out saturday. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this...