we talk about being married. not like when, we don't plan, we talk about things.. "when we have kids".. "when you buy my engagement ring"... things like that. I dont know how serious the conversation is. I don't know how serious we are when we talk like this, I don't know how serious I am, I'm young. marriage isn't an option for at least 4 years. after school, after things are settled. At the same time I don't want to be without him, I can't imagine it, thinking about it makes my stomach turn. ap thinks we shouldn't be together, he doesn't understand why I am with him, he thinks we are so opposite and he doesn't think we could last months, let alone years. A part of me thinks he is a little jealous, I know he loves me, it's just a matter of how.. sometimes I feel like it's more than a friend, more than protector, when we got all dressed up and went out to dinner, i think it hit him... just how he feels about me. sometimes I just want to fast forward. I want to see what is going to happen, just get through the next 4 years. I want him to be with me. I can't imagine getting through 3 and a half years and then breaking up.. then where would I be... Did I forfeit my college years to be with someone then have it end? I can't help but think about what's going to happen, and when and how do I make it all ok... today we were on the Tiffany &co website. i love Tiffany jewelry. we looked at engagement rings.. not for us. nooo. I was showing him something, I was showing him the ring erin loves, and how it is ugly. he showed me some things he thought about getting me... a necklace that has a cupcake charm on it.. he said because I'm his muffin, but there wasn't a muffin necklace.. the other was a ring, reallly really pretty ring. it had 2 hollow hearts that connected in the middle.. he actually told me before he was going to get me a ring, but he didn't know what size. but this ring was really pretty, he has surprisingly great taste in jewelry. now I need to teach him how to dress himself... while we were looking he said, "uhhh so I mean one of these day, you may want to let me know your finger size cause uhhhh... you know hahah" and he just giggled it was cute. I want to do something cute and nice for valentines day. we aren't super romantic people, but I just want to put a smile on his face. today we talked about how he lost weight, how like 5 or 6 months ago he told ap that his thighs were rubbing together, i always told him if he got huge i would break up with him because he would suffocate me.. he told me we could be like the king of queens... hot wife with the a little overweight husband.. ahah but he doesnt have his little belly. I think it's because he is happy now... I think six months ago he was having a really hard time with work and life, and I think going to school is making him happy. the way I feel is the way you dream of feeling. It's like being full. everything is just satisfied and everything is okay, I'm happy with him and how we are and how he treats me. Who else is going to let me be grumpy all the time, and just laugh it off.. I think about whether it is good or not that our relationship started the way it did... that taking the term "taking it slow" to a whole new level. I think we always loved each other, I think we were scared of it, it wasn't the right time, we weren't ready. I can't make myself not worry and think constantly about these things. They run through my head, I have to plan, I have to know what's going to happen and when I don't I just get all blah.