I said to him last night, if shes not there, could we finish. That it'd be the last time, I promised. he said, yeah.. it's not like I never want to see you again. I said, yes but I am asking to sleep in your bed with you. yeah I know, whenever you want, he said. I went over. and we layed. I just dropped my phone, my keys, my shoes. I climed over him. under the blankets. my head on his stomach, his arm over my arm. he held my hand. he stroked my head, my hair. down my shoulders and back. I moved with my back to him, his body wrapped around mine. i pulled my knees up and he held onto my knees, my thigh. My eyes were closed the entire time. I fought the tears. I didn't sleep, I just.. layed. I rolled to face him our bodies faced eachother, my head under his chin, against his neck. I didn't look at him. his arm stroked my neck and ear and cheek, and he reached around and held really tight. my arm clutched his shoulder, pulling him closer. tangled in eachother. for a while we just looked at eachother.. eachothers faces and eyes. he kissed my nose and forehead.. my eyes just wandered around his face, I didn't want to recognize this person as the person who was no longer mine. somehow we kissed. he kissed me. I don't know how. or why. I don't know what happened. and I held back the tears. he'd run his hands down my back and hip, like he used to. he held my face. my cheeks. this went on for so long. half hour. 45 minutes. just staring.. and kissing. and looking, and fighting the tears. he pulled my on top of him, and my shirt came off. he wrapped his arms around my bare back and I just wanted to break down. his head in my hands, my shoulders in his, we kept looking at eachother. delicately kissing. we ended up having sex. but it wasn't something I planned. I thought about. wanted. I went there because I need to be held by him. I need to know he's still there. eventhough hes not. there was something different this time. if was very soft and slow and there was a lot of.. love. I would say we made love. but I don't like that term. The entire night I couldn't talk. I said 2 words. maybe. I could not force myself to say anything. I don't know why. he didn't say much either. I think he knew i couldn't say anything. I couldn't talk the night before either. I don't know what takes over me.. I think i'd cry if I tried. after we layed down, spoon-like, warm. I started to cry.. and the tears fell onto his arm. He looked at me, my face. I tried to hide it. and we went to sleep. until 2 am I slept with him. I didn't want to leave. I didn't know how. I just wanted to say so much to him. I wanted him to hold me more. I wanted him to tell me not to leave, to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that he wants to be with me. It didn't happen. I don't know what he thinks of last night. or why. I dont even know what to think. I don't know if he had second thoughts abou us not being together. I want him to have those thoughts. I want him to realize what we had. I want him to need that again. I want to talk to him, lay. I can't. I don't dare talk to him. I think I should give him a while. I don't want to. I want him to call me in the middle of the night and say he needs me. I don't know if last night made things worse. it wasn't the sex, that wouldn't make me want him more, the sex has nothing to do with the attachment. but it just wasn't the same. I don't know why we did it. I don't know why he wanted it, I just don't know how to feel. I want him to want to talk to me. to tell me he cares so much, that he misses me. I just want him. as unhappy as I was sometimes with him.. I needed him. that unhappy was nothing. nothing compared to the pain. I don't know why I need him so bad. I don't know anything. I'm not in control. I can't handle not being in control. I'm so broken its sick.