what is sleeep. for real. whats the point.. don't sleep what happens? you're tired? so you yawn a little bit. bigg deal. I've been sleeping less... and been happier.. is that contradicting? wanted to cry tonight.. sort of. talking to ben.. about sex.. and he was talking about how working for 10 straight days is going to kill him and I probably won't get any. and I said i don't always need to bang! and he said yeahh okay and I said no really! and he said haha i'm sure sooo.. I said.. 'sometimes I feel like you want to bang.. but not me.. and that makes me want to even more" and he didn't get it. and I said nevermind. thennn he said.. so you think I want to have sex but not with you? pretty much thenn... and that makes you want to have sex even more? pretty much... and thennn this: "well I'm not looking for someone else... ha I just dont wanna have sex all the time, I have a better time with you just laying there and falling asleep with you" the first words of that sentence.. are what I've been needing.. wanting... waiting for.. for how long? my skin .. my mind.. my life. melted. as silly as it is this is what I needed to hear despite knowing.. deep down. so i went over. and we were both so tired buth he put his hand on my stomach and rested his lips on my neck.. and said.. 'hey you' I don't think you understand love until you've spent such a huge chunk of time out of your life with someone.. where they become the stability and rock.. and happiness. I had no idea what it was like.. and that year.. that night.. that bruce said he loved me.. and I shot him down.. and broke him. if he felt the way I feel now... I was a terrible person. kyle.. kyle was not love.. he was first lust.. first one to worship me .. and see me as me.. saw him today .. got a coffee... wrote fishy and 2 little fishies on top of th ecover. love him. in a ... first lust.. friend kind of way. tonight. I appreciated him. no pretending to be mad or pouting or tickleing of being mean.. none of that.. I think I let my guard down. for the first time... completely gone. ohhhh what has he done to meeeee.