explain to me please, why I've become such an angry, unhappy, bitter person. And it's not even so much as unhappy but just plain hatred for everything and everyone. I'll be out with people and I'll just want to go home and not be with them. I do not understand where the bitterness is coming from, I have no reason to be like this. Its like I have this constant cloud of anger and sadness hanging over my head. And I want to cry so bad, I sit, and think ' I need to cry ' but it never works. I can't cry. and I don't like anyone, I don't want to be with anyone but him. Everyone bugs me in one way or another or I don't know. it just makes me so mad, and I am so tired of it. Its these times that I want to move.. far away.. Boulder maybe. And I am so insecure about everything and so jealous, SO jealous and aghhh. & everyone wants to just party and get hammered and I just don't want to anymore. I don't see the enjoyment in getting out of control and dealing with stupid people who are hugeee fools and ahh. and I don't understand why I can't just talk to Ben about it all. Well, all that concerns him. I mean, I do know, I am too scared to lose him and it's so fucked up because it's not like I "have" him. ahh fuck. whyyy. I know the minute i see him and talk to him about it I will be in such a horrible mood and I will wish that I didn't bring it up. I just want to run or work out to rid myself of all this anger, but its too cold, and I'm too tired. my body is too tired. I need to punch and scream and listen to loud music and I need diana not to be here so I can jsut ahh scream and feel better. I need to not care. no more eye make up. no more caring about clothes and how I look. too tired for it. too sick of it. I need to not care.. about anyone. or anything. I need to focus, I neeeed to feel good, not sick. I need some J5 and some some Stone Temple Pilots, and The Cure.. yes.