I am feeling quite a bit better, I think I need to continue talking to him for a while in hopes it will make it a bit easier. Emotions suck, feelings suck. OH well. I'm not mad or angry or even upset with him. I am just sad, and I will be for a while.. But whatever, if sam and him get back together that would be good for them. They like eachother a lot... not saying I didn't like him a lot. I told neala yesterday that I am 'happy' that I was the one who got hurt out of this, after what he went through with sam and then yeah.. He doesn't deserve the pain that he would have posessed if the situation were flipped. He's still hurting though, I wish there was something I could do to help, I really do. He shouldn't have to posess pain in the current situation. Or maybe hes hurt because he doesnt know what to do, hes so confused by it all... but "the things that make sense never work out".. I don't know. In a way I'm mad at myself for bringing it up and making him tell me. Last night he told me he was just going to wait to see if things would fix themselves... Then again, apart of me is glad, because if he has to compose a fake smile or a fake laugh for one minute, and he doubted "us" for a second, I wouldn't want to carry on. In a sense I'm glad we broke up, as horrible as it is, for now it seems for the better. Neala asked me yesterday if he had feelings for me again in a few weeks or months or what ever would I take him back. I would want to so bad, but I don't know that I could go through it all again, once is enough from one person. Though I know it would be so hard to hold back because my emotions would get the best of me. My heart would over rule my mind. I miss his hands on my stomach.. I was reading sam's live journal when i cam upon this, written on the 5th... "I was reading through my old journal.. the eLJay one not the sitdiary.. so many memories.. good and bad.. the sit one makes me cry.. i try not to read it.. even though were back together.. i cry.. it shows me what i could have lost.. this one just shows more of my past.. liek happy wheels.. and when i was crazy about nate.. or liked josh.. or my past with bob.. like there are some where i dont say what happened.. but when i read them i know.. i know how i felt.. and what it did to me.. in a way i want to get rid of that old thing.. but i know i coudl never do that.. i have to keep it.. liek i have to keep old note.. and old pictures.. and old memories.. ill never be able to get rid of them.." highlighting the "even though we are back together" I freaked out. On Kyle, but a big part of it was that I needed a reason to be mad at him even if the way I interpreted it was wrong. And I knew it wasn't in the sense that I thought it was because he would never do that to me, that I know. Anywho, I blew up on him... said 'fuck you' a couple times, got really aggrevated with myself for literally searching for a reason to be mad at him.... It was interestingly sad & dumb. I hope hes mad at me, I really do... I can't get mad at him, it just isnt working. Dumb, so his being mad at me for blowing this up may make me feel better, because my being perfectly ok with everything seems so fake, even though its not. At least I don't think it is. WHY AM I CREATING DRAMA... I HATE DRAMA. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT. damnit. So I signed off and took a nap and thought a bit. That really in depth thinking you do when you are sleeping, things like how much you wished things didn't happen like they did and what not. I need to do homework. Until. You. Over.