I was too angry to be drunk and too drunk to be around ben. bad. everything about last night was bad. it was soo good but when it comes down to it. ... I am just hurting myself even more. I can't believe I wrote that. I wish I could remember what it said. I can't believe he read that. ahhhh. at least he knows how I feel. but last night was probably out of sympathy. we didn't have sex. for a number of reasons. but we didn't. and I am proud of me. eventhough I begged him for it. I was smammmm'd. It was very needed yet very not good. ergh.