I was hoping some sun would do me some good. I was hoping that being away would make me feel better ha. thats funny. I need to not be tired. I'm on vacation for god sakes and I am still exhausted. beyond exhausted. I need my best friend. I need ben. and to not be sad and to not be constantly reminded of him.. by everything. I crave him like I crave sleep. I crave endless amounts endless amounts of the only things I am okay with I have johnny. lord do I. and lord do I love him. so much but he can't help me, and its horrible. my eyes hurt constantly. my eyelids ache. I want to yell, all the time. and cry and hit and more so, tell him everything. so far from an option it's sad. hes leaving. It'll be at least a month by the time I see him. a month. and I want so bad for him to come back, and for me to be okay with not seeing him. and for me to be done, and realize how unhealthy it all was. I want it to happen so bad.. soo bad. but I know myself, and I doubt I will. Not seeing him will get easier, but it won't go away. not for now. and my anxiety is overwhelming, and it runs right next to the mass insecurities that wont go away. ha. I think this all and I laugh. It is so absurd and dumb and I laugh. but then it all comes back and I just want to sleep. sleep takes it all away