Alex and I talked for a while tonight. I'm hurting cause I don't want to go I don't want to leave and I don't want to be at emm. Nothing worked out. Nothing is going to be a mess and I don't have control. I can not stay because of him. It would mean changing my entire life plan and for what or who? What are the chances we are going to last and be happy.. So small that I don't even know why I think about it. I don't want him to be not with me. I want him. And is. And how we are and can be. He's my wall. Getting back together made it sp difficult. Seeing him. Realizing how I felt and how much I relied on him changed it all completely so that I cant make a decision and everyone sucks.