rahhhh. I don't know that there is a words..or words.. to explain my life, basically. tired comes to mind.. and complicated.. very complicated. and just blah. and I hate that ben.. has to do with everything..he somehow creeps into the back of my head.. and just ahhh makes me so angry... Today is sunday, the last time I talked to him was when I saw him thursday night.. awesome. and so tonight. I was like where is it, and ahhaaa he was watching a movie with jay... but said come over later? and I said maybe.. and he said ok :).. aka didn't talk to him. and it kind of bumms me out. but there's nothing I can do about it.. I guess.. I don't know.. its crap. the whole situation.. its not that I can't deal with not seeing him.. but we're so effed up and I dont know what we are and what we're doing so it's just like ehhh you suck. I mean, if I knew.. yeah he's not going to call tonight because he has this going on blah blah blah then I would actually.. have fun. I dont know.. sometimes he makes my mood crap. most of the time. and just.. I don't know. watching a movie with jay? what the fuck. why cant he just.. be like yooo I'm dead but I'll talk to you tomorrow! ugh. I don't know why I suck so bad. I analyze how people act.. and what they say... and the patterns within those things.. and then I try to make sense of them and think / want them to repeat because I'll know what is going to happen. I over analyze... I analyze the crap out of everything and then its just like ehhh life. and with him.. hes not consistant.. with anything .. it's so irretating.. I dont know if he thinks I am just ehh about us orr hes just been tired.. or with jay or whatever .. I honestly have no idea.. but ugh. I dont want to be in this position anymore.. because it blows. and life.. sleep forever now.