well, I'm doing better than expected.(on account of false hope) For some reason he's been on aim recently.. and I haven't been on much at all, but he's been on, and put away messages up.. which is unlike him.. I don't know. In my mind I think.. more so I hope.. that he's waiting for me to talk to him, but that is probably far from his reasoning. I am so drained by our situation, and I know what I want to say to him, I've rehearsed it over and over in my head yet, I know when I talk to him, I won't be able to say it , I won't be able to bring myself to bring it up. The fear of rejection and more so the fear of not seeing him again clouds my judgement so severely. good lord do I need to grow balls, I mean, it can't really get worse than it is. and it's not like I ever see him as it is.. and I know if we stop talking, I'll be so done and so over with him and it will be good. so I guess I don't want it to be over, I don't want it to be final.. I want to be with him, and yet I know it won't work... or won't work well.. because if there is anyone in this world that can annoy me to the point of no return, it is him. I feel like, if he were on.. and he imed me.. I'd bring it up. But I wouldn't be able to facilitate the conversation and then tell him that I care about him and I don't want to see him anymore because I know he can't commit to me. In the beginning, I did this as well, but not anymore. It feels like, yeah I was there, and he cared about me.. to a certain extent, but he was always looking for someone else, someone better.. as if he were settling and I was temporary..and this doesn't hurt me, because I did the same thing.. I just.. ugh I don't know. I want to just be around him.. and fuck. I don't want to care anymore... I want him to care, and for me to not.