we played sleep over the other night.. for the first time in a while.. actually he went out with jay.. and I was at some party. and we were both pretty drunk. and he called me, and so I went over around 12.. and chilled with shannon aha for like an hour before he came home.. absolutely loaded. so we went sleepies... he had a killer head ache the next morning.. serves him right. I stayed there until like 1ish.. which would be good.. ordinarily... but I had to take the 2:15 to work... good times. then I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day and late.. at like 1230, wayy past my bedtime, he text'd me and said "sorry about the other 'friend' that was shitty of me... I really do like hanging out with you and everything"... my reaction.. was WHAT THE FUCK. I don't even understand where this was coming from.. we hadn't talked about anything like that in a couple weeks, at least... and I was just soo baffled by his saying this... I don't know what he meant by it.. or ahhh fuck. he had the next day off too so he text'd me and asked how my day was and things... and then around 10 ish he wanted me to come over.. it'sjust... when he runs his hands over my shoulders.. and down my arms.. and my back.. I just die. I don't know why, its pathetic. we watched toy story 2 because neither of us had seen it... and napped... and then he woke me up and.. wanted to play ish... and we did.. but it was 1 and I had to go home and I scratched his tummy, and he grapped my hand.. so I went to walk away still holding on and he pulled me to him.. and kissed me.. and it was like. fuck. you suck for being you.. and I don't like it... I didn't talk to him today.. he was probably absolutly exhuasted and went to bed at like 4 and wont wake up until his alarm for work... guaranteed. I just don't know what to do.. and what he's thinking and why and ahhh. I love ..napping and being with him.. but sometimes.. I don't want to just lay.. and watch movies. sometimes I just want to go out and actually be a real person and do things.. and I don't know i he's willing to do that. or I dont know.. I feel like I am getting way ahead of myself.. yet I'm trying to protect myself at the same time. he just makes it all so difficult.. and complicated.. and his birthday is next week. And I don't think he knows that I know this.. so I don'tknow if I'm going to say anything... or pretend I don't know... or I don't know.. we'll see. I just want to sleep in his bed basically, because thats like.. my safe zone.. he cant be with her (which isn't an issue anymore) and he can't be out doing whatever and getting drunk and things.. because he's there with me.. rubbing my back.. and I dont say no to him.. partially because I can't.. but also because I don't want to.. I mean.. he asks me to come over.. I do.. no matter what.. because I want to see him. and I can say yeah blah blah I can say no.. but I don't and I won't and I don't know if that's good or bad yet.. but ugh. I just want him to be here.. / for me to not be cold / to know what the fuck is going on in life.