I'm scared I'm going to make some decision that's going to fuck everything. Everything being my life.. My future.. My career. I'm scared that he's going to have something to do with This decision.. That in one way or another he would influence it and me and what if whatever I decide to do fucks it all up. Thinking this makes me want to cry. I realize that I don't know what to do. Jess explained that no matter what I choose to do I'm basing my decision on him if I stay I feel like subconciously I'd be staying to be with him... But if I go to em. Its because I tell myself I can't stay her because if be staying for him. Its such an unbelievably huge mess. It would have been easy if we stayed apart and didn't talk.. It would be easier if he would tell me I need to go and be me and do what I need to do and that he loves me and that I need to do this and leaving him won't change how he feels. That well talk about being together or breaking up completely when the time comes. That he would tell me that we need to be happy now and just accept it all. God it hurts. I thought the hurt was over. I can only imagine how ill feel when I have to leave. Him. This. The safety of him. I wish I could figure all this out by myself. God.