I did it. I texted him. I said i was thinking about him today and I wanted to see if everything was ok after the last time we talked.

nope. not ok. nope. He's got it.

He said, you fucked me literally.. I don't know if I can ever forgive you.. Yet it doesn't matter when you're drunk. I said I couldn't begin to apologize.. that I would never ever knowingly do anything to hurt you.

He said he could never for get but he can still make the most of it. he asked me if I was willing to do the same..

why is he always so level headed? why why whyy!

He told me to come over, I asked he if he seriously wanted to do this now.. He said he didn't care that it was almost 2 am.. he said he needed an escape.

I went. of course I went. we talked. wow did we talk.. he just looked at me and asked how I was, he asked me if I was ok.. jesus! He's not ok either ohhh no. He was seeing a girl.. of course he was. He told her, and that didn't go so well. noo, it ended. and this was all my fault.

I caused this. He said the one person he really cared about.. and it's over. I wish he just yelled at me, I wish he weren't so even tempered. He just hugged me. he did. and I hugged him.. and he kissed me.

It's clear that it's just sex with us, I'd always known.. I really do like hanging out with him.. I do. I am so distraught over this.. I just don't know what to do. he kissed me and we kissed and he tried to pick me up god, I'm very little yes but please. He wanted to have sex.. god. This is what got us into this mess! I'm certainly not ready to play this game, I'm too emotionally wrecked. that's it. wrecked.

The entire time he just comforted me.. I told him he should be angry... and how sorry I am. How could he forgive this? not only did I just ruin this relationship... but I've severely complicated all of them to come.

What am I going to do? I know I am going through this as well, but I feel like the people in my life have been too accepting... my mom... so supportive. ben, god I've argued with him and he wouldn't call for days. 3 days and he was ready to deal with this. three days and he wanted to get through it.. and Q was just so accepting.. don't get me wrong.. he's angry, but he is really mature in these situations.. too mature.

everything is just so fucked up. so fucked up. and there's nothing I can do about it. nothing. 3 weeks ago I was on top of the world. invincible. I could do whatever, have whoever, anytime I wanted. and now, here I am. Look how many lives I have affected. look who I hurt. look what I am going through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.. oh god no. I fucked up. someone did this to me.. but I fucked up.

I have to power through this. my eye also needs to stop twitching. but I have to deal.. I need to learn and I need to deal with it. I need to get a grip and focus.

he wanted to have sex last night.. I couldn't even imagine. I'm not ready for that. thats what caused this whole mess, maybe we should learn. I am his rebound, and thats fair enough. I deserve that, I do. hah we rolled around a while.. made out. god, do I have so much sexual control over him.. it's bad, yes. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I know I have feelings for him... a mixture of chasing and wanting with the chemistry we have... and now the guilt. I would make his problems go away if I could.

I know I have feelings.. I do. he cared about this other girl, that hurt a little. In a way that... the hurt would come one way or another.. and to know i just killed that for him.

I have to let him come to me now.. if he needs to deal with this.. In a way, we are going through this together. i told him last night, when he comes back from texas, if he wants to reapproach and reassess the sex then sure. but I need time. I told him we weren't going to have angry-unforgiveness sex. ha. He said, you would like that wouldn't you? angry sex?... haha he's just so cute.. and fragile.. but not at all. god is he tough.. and positive.. and mature. I should stay away.. things have gotten complicated and horrible.. I don't need to play that game any more.

no more games. 19 years old, and it's all over.

--the way things used to be.. that's all over. it sounds like I'm pregnant doesn't it?.. ohh god. that would be fixable.