So here's where I am right now:

I feel great. I do. I am consciously eating well and I'm running at least 3 times a week. I've walked the boulevard (on top of the running) at least once a week since sometime in March (thank god for the nice weather). It's not that I ever ate unhealthily but in the winter I feel gross and I dont eat good things like fruit and smoothies and salads and stuff...

I haven't gotten a message from Nick in 4 or 5 nights which is a wonderful start. I wish we could be friends and I wish he wasn't crazy and dramatic and childish but I can't do anything about any of that...

Ben wants to talk tonight.. I'm not sure what about or why but after all this... I feel relieved. I feel free and I feel like I can finally move past this. It was hard to let it go for real, like actually say to him that I am done no more pretending or anything. It's over. And I am going to stick with this I think... I think there is a whole world out there that I never saw when I was with him and I deserve to test the waters and be in a relationship that's healthy and happy.

soooo relationships. wow.

I am not going to sleep with anyone (else). I am not going to play the insecure little games I've been playing for months.. years? Nooo way. I'm serious when I say that I've grown up a lot in these past months.. I've always been mature sure, more mature than most people my age absolutely, but as soon as Ben moved I kind of went into a tail spin and well we know what happened.

sooo there's mason. he's just a baby! I like he's wonderful and while it could never be, he's just so fun! and so young!. And I guess I love that he loves me, how couldn't he? This weekend he had a friend come stay for the night and he brought him over to kath's for a bit.. I ran to the store and when I was gone they were teasing Mason about something and his friend Owen was like, "yeah just like how he doesn't talk about Casey all the time" hahah. Kath said he turned so red and said they better not tell me that he does. Ha it's so cute. I wish he weren't such a baby, its kind of sad.

And then there's Markus. hmmm. What we have is fake and weird and confusing. I think he likes me, sure.. We have a lot of tension, and chemistry.. it's kind of overwhelming. I also think he is intimidated by me and has a hard time with the fact that we are in two very different palces. So what do we talk about? What do we do? Should we just stop playing this little game? But Why?

So there are those two. we mess around.. we chat once in a while.. it's all fun and games. super. But this behavior has been going on for quite some time... months. 8? hooooly. 8 months of this eratic selfish gross behavior. There is no foundation for a relationship in something that starts as sex and drunken messing around... It's just not healthy or happy or possible. So what do I do? Do I continue with one of them? Mason? Markus? and just play... or do I stop. and grow up... and consider a real relationship with someone?

So that's where Burkie comes in. I like him! I mean there are some issues there, sure. He doesn't have a real home, or a real job. well, he kind of has a job sure. So what do I do? I guess it's clear to the world that he really likes me and that's wonderful. I'm not going to sleep with him noooo. Could he be the potential boyfriend? Do I like him enough to wait and see, but how do I go about it? I mean it's clear that I have commitment issues... I can't even commit to a lunch date for christ sake, so what do I do? Be prematurely truthful? Pretend it doesn't matter? I just don't knowww.

So I clearly have an issue. I have these insecurities and I make myself feel better by letting these people fall for me and once I have them in my grasp I just let them go. Dismissed. I don't know how to fix this, and I certainly don't know how to stop. It's an addiction, an obsession. And I see that now, and I get how much of a problem it is... and it's not like I'm sleeping around. I've been with markus on and off since december... and Mason just happened a month ago and other than that I have been avoiding all other situations.

I think I'm ready to be a real person, I think it'd be a good decision.. a healthy one for sure. But what do I do? I mean it would probably be best if I just stopped playing around wouldn't it? I'm not going to create any new situations like that.. noo more, no way. but what happens if I just stop? I don't know hmmm.