i'm so insanely emotional right now. and for the first time in over a year i feel so insanely unattractive. what is it that guys see to make them not want me for more than sex? wtf is wrong with me? the worst feeling ever is sleeping with a guy then the next day seeing that he deleted his number from your cell phone. yeah he has since called and said he didn't do that but whatever. not calling a girl for over a week after you've had sex is harsh. knowing the people you used to be friends with still have kickbacks but don't bother to invite you anymore is also harsh. i used to use my own money to get motel rooms and an abundance of beer for those people and never accepted a single dollar from them. yet for some reason most of them treat me like the plague. i wish i was void of all emotion. i tried talking to someone right now and i know i wasn't all that nice to him because i'm in a bad mood, but he didn't have to attack me. he reduced me to tears...and i hardly ever cry. i'm always the strong one but every once in awhile i break down. and this is one of those times. i don't know when i'm going to feel better about my life. i have no job and i cause my mom stress because of that. i'm almost 20 and i fear i'll be living with my parents forever. guys all screw me over and it makes me jealous seeing people who are in love. if i weren't christian and didn't belive that suicide was a sin that would surely land me in hell, i would have killed myself by now. i'm just not that selfish. i could never hurt my mom like that. i seriously can't stand the thought of seeing people right now. other than my family i feel like everyone hates me for no good reason. i hate myself right now. not even getting my hair done could possibly make me feel better right now. why am i crying? god if this just turns out to be pms i'm going to feel so dumb. it's not close enough to that time of the month though so i think its just my unstable self. i miss the middle of highschool. going out everynight drinking without a care in the world. the people i hung out with seemed to care about me at that time. they don't anymore. i'm a freakin mess and i hate it.