i deleted him from my buddylist again. i'll talk to him when he ims me, but i dont want to be tempted to be the one initiating conversation. i deleted his number from my phone days ago, but after 4 years i have the number memorized so that won't be much help. last night i was so ok with things, but this morning im sad again. i miss him so fucking much! ugh. seriously, not cool. when i think about him im so tempted to just go lay down and try to sleep. i feel like if i'm sleeping i wont be sad. last night after i ran i felt a lot better so i'll just have to keep myself busy in hopes that that will make me ok with the way things are. and even though i'm sad its not nearly as bad as it was before. i think i'll always get a little sad when i think about him. after 4 years i know that much. so i just went back to the last page of my old private melo entries and found this "i feel so sick i need to go to bed...i totally just talked to n***** ******* didn’t i..................................................................................................oh man i feel so sick. i wish he would just know its me, cuz i miss every part of him..." that was a drunken entry from march of 2004. i met him about 4 years ago and that was written 3 years ago sometime after we stopped talking the first time around. i was trying to remember how long it took me to get over him back then, that was after a year...yeah this is going to take awhile isn't it. fuck. or maybe i just never got over him and never will. lame.