i'll start this entry off by saying that my hair looks exceptionally hot tonight. yes my roots are still dark and over an inch thick, but it still looks hot. go me. but anyways, i'm not all emotional tonight like i was the other night. no tears shed over guys past. not yet atleast. i'm not going to call C9. i told him i would, but i have n o intentions of doing so. if he's really the nice guy he seems to be he'll call. and if he doesn't it's not meant to be. my new way of thinking will be less crazy. i want to not care. i will care, but i don't want to. mr. perfect isn't here yet. oh well. just because my 20 year old cousin and my 22 year old brother are both engaged to people that love them very much, it does not mean that i'm a loser. they just lucked out earlier than most. my time will come...i hope. i'm only 19. and i'll be 20 in 118 days. yes i counted. i luv birthdays but i wish i were a little kid again. shit was so much easier back then. i don't want to have casual hook ups anymore. i'm fearing a bad reputation may be about to come and get me. i can't stop what people are thinking about me. and even though i don't want casual hook ups i know i'll continue to have them. i can't help it. one of these connections will stick. one of the guys will end up being the right one. i hope. i wish my tax money were here already so i could get my hair done. atleast then i'd have a false sense of happiness due to new hot hair. i'll write more later as i'm currently watching sex and the city and i've never seen this episode. have a swell night everyone. UPDATE: "you sleep with someone and you start rationalizing away all the red flags" one of the gay guys on sex and the city just said that, and i agree with him one hundred percent. so so very very true.