boys make life so difficult. i just want to be a kid again. i'm a few months away from being 20. my teenage years are over. for some reason that thought just makes me so sad. i want to run around my friends backyard, play in our tree house, skate up and down the street, play barbies, not care about guys, etc. oh and field trips, those were fun. didn't have to worry about getting a job, paying bills, having gas money to get to school and back, and all that shitty stuff. i hate responsibilities. i hate taking birth control everyday. i hate wondering if this guy just wants to get in my pants or if he really likes me. i hate that i sabatage relationships on purpose. i only want the guys that don't want me. when the good guy comes along i secretly hope he won't call. i don't want to deal with "grown up" things. i'm so lost right now. most people figure out what they want to do with their lives by the end of highschool, then set off for college and obtain those goals. what are my goals? i hate being so confused. i've always been this confused with life, i'm just usually ok with it. ok with just hanging out with boys drinking and having reckless fun. that can only amount to nothing. i don't want to live at my parents house forever. but i can't even imagine me doing something worth while with my life. all i see is parties, drunken hook ups, and sadness. of course by tomorrow i'll be at a party thinking how much fun i'm having. then i'll sober up and be right back where i started...