well...

I seriously like Q.. I haven't talked to him since I had to tell him about the herpes. he was so wonderful about it, his personality is just so understanding and non judgemental.. and positive.

I don't even know what I am holding on to. I have no idea. I guess the idea that after all that... there's no chance we will like.. be together in anyway. I don't know. was there anything there? I think I am being delusional. I am holding on to the booty calls... but still. Those won't happen. No more from nicky... nothing. I just, I don't know how I am going to get through this.

I need to text him and see how he is doing. I tried to text him today.. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I want to make sure he doesn't have it... that he's not going through what I am going through. I'm so worried and concerned and upset about it. I can't even imagine... if I gave it to him.. god. that would be wretched. I wouldn't know how to get over that. It had to have comes from ivers. I don't know where else it could have come from. I am as close to positive as possible.

but he never confessed.. not in the least bit. What does that mean? I've had it for years? I can't imagine it was Q.. no.. it had to have been nicky. god, how could he do this? be so selfish? all I can think is that Q couldn't possibly have it. god.

I am so scared of people finding out. I am so scared of being rejected because of it, and telling the guy I like that I have it. I dread having to justify it... and explain myself. It could have happened to anyone. 1 in 4 people have it. ONE IN FRIGGAN FOUR PEOPLE HAVE HERPES. GENITAL HERPES. I have HSV-1.. which is most commonly found in the mouth.. cold sores basically. I am on daily medication.. I will be on daily medication for the rest of my life. but that is supposed to prevent any out breaks... and minimize the possibility for me to pass it on by 48%.

This could have happened to anyone. I just happened to be seeing 2 people at the same time. the same 2 people for 3 months. and this happened. I dont know how.. or what.. or why. but it did. And I was in the worst pain imaginable. so much pain. I couldn't pee. It just hurt so bad, I cant even describe it.