Here I am.. Almost 20 years old and I don't know what the fuck I am doing. seriously. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with Nick. and I certainly don't know what the fuck I am doing with Mason.

I think about it and I want to vomit. Clearly there is something wrong with me if I need this validation. seriously. He doesn't like me for me, nooo. He's just trying to bang all the time. I don't blame him, but that's who I am to him. I need to get the fuck out of this cycle. I need to get counseling.. or something. I can't continue to do this. I absolutely can not.

The fact that it honest to god bothers me that he probably doesn't like me for me is sad. It's pathetic that i care... and that I'm doing this and especially that I am acting this way. I am legitimately concerned that he is not head over heels in love with me and its my natural instinct to continue the game until he is obsessed... and then I'll be done with it.

It's so clear. Look at nick, what did I do to him.. and I am still stringing him along aren't I? I have told him time after time that I don't want to be together.. I have. But he doesn't get it, so what do I do now. He is trying so hard.. so so hard. and I feel like I can only shoot him down so much. But that's so selfish of me, I know. I am stringing him along because it's easier for me.