and it isnt a joke. tested. couldve and shouldve tested positive. but. for one reason or another. im getting one more get out of jail free card. and this time. i cant squander it. and its going to be so hard not giving into what i really want. is away. out. gone. why. i do not know. because it all takes so long. and seeing a future for myself seems so unappetizing. because its so much work. and i dont know if i have what it takes. and i know i do. and i could. if i really wanted too. and im so guilt ridden from my mistakes. but. that never stops me from repeating them. now shes going to go look.