last night was the same old. lame old. day in and night out old. thing. taking drinks at the doubledown and counting down. the minutes. until either death walked through the door. or we walked back out. big c struck up some conversation with the leather coat. ready for a picture anytime posing. tight jean fitting. nothing but a stud. stud next to us. and i lost interest. because i got drunk. and annoyed. and blasted. he was handsome from far away. but annoyingly not up close. although im sure big c wouldve taken him home. had he offered his leather wearing services. AND THE PROBLEM IS. that maybe. im just not meant to be with anyone or anything at anytime anywhere. because. maybe i function better alone. maybe there isnt a soul out there who can quite handle the unhandleness of my messes and situations. of complete unexpectations. and all of my fucked up and over complications. maybe. by being alone and staying alone im saving some poor fella all of the trouble of loving me. and eventually hating me. if i cant have what i want. then i want none of it. IT HURTS AGAIN. but i wont get too deep into that. because my heart just cant seem to take even a hint of the memories lately. without the rush of pain to the soul. the coming of the tears. the pennies in the mouth. and the shortness of my only breath. BESIDES. what does it matter. i need to turn all of this agressiveness into a right up done tight mess. i need to write it all down and spit it out there. i need to do a lot of things. i will do them eventually. someday as i always say. but. i have to make the someday a reality. before im either too dead or too old to do it. I HOPE MY TAX REFUND IS NICE.