it was a lot easier before i had her. a baby. this little life waiting on me to guide her through this pit. this world of good things. terrible things. happy things. and things.

i havent been a good mom yet. ive been busy getting sickdrunk again. because. the binge always feels better in the mind then actually when it happens.

and i always think. this time it will be different. until i find myself hugging the porcelain god with a body so achy from dehydration and days of blind drunkness. that it hits me.

it will never be different. the story always plays out the same when i call on my old love booze.

she always hurts me. in the long run. but now. i have GOD and a babygirl named RIOT waiting for me to love her to pieces and to protect her.

and this man im trying my hardest to trust without chasing him off finally with my blind jealousy.

then again maybe im just too bored in this ittybittytinyminisculelittle hell hole.

but.

my job is working out here despite my repeated stupidity.

and we have things here that i havent had in a long time.

a home.

a bed to rest my head.

a freakin tv i dont like to watch.

dishes.

food.

love?

has it been so long since ive loved anything other then drugsnbooze.

have i forgotten how to have a notsoblackandcold heart?

i need to learn to love her.

because.

she deserves the world.

and.

i need to give that to her.

my riot. my monshter. my glowworm. my grace from GOD.

i need to wake up my heart.

i need to put down the vodka.

and ive been through this before.

rehab is missed now.

because. i was safe from myself.