and it's better that way. being lonely. having been always lonely. you don't get used to things. like loving. or being loved. rejection is my infection. my desire. if you've been alone for the first 22 valentines of your life. one more makes no difference. i don't believe in love or any. of that. it's all commercialized now. and repetitive. as are most things i believe. seb has been sad. about this. thing. having no one. no one having her. it's something i've grown into. used too. i miss it. or want it. but i've never had it. to need it. seb is driving me mad. i guess. complaining. at least she's not ugly. or chubby. or disgusting. what does she have to complain about? nothing. i don't feel like going to classes anymore. learning anything. kissing ass to pass. i don't feel like giving it my all. i don't feel like giving at all. anything. my knowledge. my feelings. this is all i have. the things i know. and trust. you can't build on esteem. and college credits for worthless classes. you can't sit and say it's all going to be okay. because it isn't. life's a bitch and a game. i don't know. i'm going on and on. because i'm bored. and it's sunday. almost monday. i have chapters to read. notes to look over. things to think about. befor our next class discussion. i miss patrick. and i hate him. in a good way i guess. as good as hate can get. he'll never reply. and still i wait. like some loser. and wait. like some loser. again and again. and i should know by now. another chapter closed. i keep my mind on the point in front. the goal. my goal is to graduate. and than drink. and than toke. and than again. we repeat and rinse. this is pathetic. i wish i had considered my life more. made different choices. and all that. but i didn't. and regret is not something i enjoy. i don't feel guilty. but some times guilt feels me. walking side by side. i am alone. with you. gone. don't ask. and don't wait. dfn.