i dont expect it all to ever make any real sense it barely makes half sense now if even 1/4th sense at all things they come they go just like people just like the seconds minutes days weeks months and years flying by i cant be expected to be perfected all of the time but youll find that it is just that expectation that is running around you at all moments at all times it was worth it because im not used to affection and it was nice being close to him for those moments for those times of holding kissing and touching actually getting time to look at him to see how handsome he really is how angry he is and how sad and lonely and weird strange just like me and that of course is fine by me to have it validated to be made real not just some wonder or wish or want but real actual touch concrete in my hand as real as any stone sand material it was dumb i know 99 out of 100 decisions i make will tend to be wrong even now even sober to feel affection and love and skin was worth it all day we spent together close cuddling the way ive seen others envied others to have that neatness closeness and his hair smells like coconuts shampoo and conditioner lovely green eyes and even if it was just for that one day it was lovely all the same i dont like sharing my news with negative people anymore i dont like people that believe theyre a level ahead of the game because theyre not and they make me judge them because its all in my face shes a nice girl and lost just like me but i wonder if we'll be friends after this mess the thing with sobriety is i get to pick i get to lose i get to leave behind all of that stuff that i dont want tainting my new way its different having a choice in the whole matter sober 7 months and counting how strange it all really is