something needs to break. down. im breaking. a bit. and im not sure why. my sugar levels are out of control. i still have no insurance. my fingers still dont bend. my knees still fucked up. im still making shit money. im still in a fucking hole of debt. my lawyer still hasnt settled anything or called me. my mothers still dead. i still think about joe and dan. i still get piss face drunk most of the time. i still randomly make out with people. SAVE ME PLEASE. SAVE ME. SAVE. ME. BECAUSE I CANNOT FUCKING SAVE MYSELF. AND IM A BIT SCARED. THEN AGAIN. I DONT REALLY GIVE A FUCK. WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE. WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE. JUST PROMISE THAT WHEN ITS ALL OVER. YOULL TRY TO MISS ME. i dont like feeling sad. i need to fix it. this isnt like my mom. the cancer will not kill my life. it will not. i cant let it happen. i couldnt save her. but maybe. she can help me save myself. god. i miss my mom so damned much. so much. its such a sweet silent pain. its like holding a red hot poker to your skin and carrying it around with you forever. its nails pushed under your skin. razors across your eyes. i dont know if ill be okay. i wish i could hug my mom and hear her say my name. and tell me again how she believed i was meant for grand things. i miss my home.