i feel this color today. i feel off balance. kicked off center. floating around in my own head.

nothing to grasp on to really and not like i would if i could because i have always enjoyed doing life the hard way. when the easy way was right there in front of me. waiting.

i am 20 weeks pregnant. closer and closer to becoming this little parasites mother. a mommy. and here i am nervous. depressed. overjoyed. lonely. happy. scared. and bewildered by my own actions over these last many years.

if i could stand still in the blizzard of time that is my life. i know it wouldnt make sense then either. but. nothing wonderful ever makes sense. or equals up.

and i dont know if i love him enough to keep being with him.

i dont know if i love him enough to let him go either.

or to keep him close.

i dont know if i love.

period.