ive fallen down with a bad case of the blues. sadness to the max. sadness im not actually used to feeling so heavily. sure. sorrow everyday i wear it like other women wear jewelry or perfume. that im used too. sorrow is what i know. because although i try. i cannot just stop mourning my before life. and the before people i miss so much everyday. and yes. thats part of it. i crave to call home. i yearn to speak to her just one last time on the telephone. or in person. but. on the telephone i would even be happy. just to hear her voice. telling me how im disappointing her. telling me how much she loves me despite it all. and i know. ive been through this. and like i said thats only part of the problem these days. i miss my cousins. i miss the car i allowed to be stolen. so easily. i miss the things i let go of so quickly. and i miss being on top of my life. being at my best. and not breathing everyday of my worst. im a failure. and it hurts. deep. im nearly 30 and i have accomplished nothing with these past few years. no. wait. i have accomplished being demoted at a lame coffee job. that i do have under my belt. my reward for never knowing when to stop. or for not caring enough to stop. and thats the worst. is not caring. i try. i want too. i do. and in a way that does make me care. but it isnt enough. it isnt real. im trying to care because i know others would like me to rescue myself. because. theyve already tried to help. and only i can stop. only i can say enough is enough and i am done for good. but. even now as i sip on a staleold beer i found right before heading to work. i wonder. if i/ll ever have the nerve to actually save myself. save myself from this punishment only i seem to think i deserve. rockstar diet. or. slow suicide. whichever way you decide. i dont look forward to the outcome.