I guess whether I like it or not the past is always going to be there. The people I've known forever are always going to know me. DMV or Dani sent a card. I got it in the mail today. "NunyaBusiness" I should've known. No, strike that. I did know I'd hear from her eventually. I guess my impending Birthday was or is the perfect time. I thought for sure she'd be angry. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm the cold one. Maybe I'm the one who gets angry to quickly. Maybe. I guess I just get so sad sometimes because I can't change anything for anyone. I want them to change. When they don't. I go cold. I go away. I run. I hide. Because I'm disappointed in them. I keep telling myself that I can't change anyone. I can't make them be what I want them to be. No matter how much I try. I wish. I dream. Still nothing works. I finished Angel's piece last night. I had too. To me it looks beautiful. Tacky. But beautiful. Fit for her. Maybe deep down inside Dani and Wen know. They know I'm not going to let them be. They know I'll never fully turn my back. Never really leave them to suffer. I get worn out. Tired. Exhausted with it all. I'll admit I was worried. Deep down inside I was afraid something might have happened to them. Scared that I wasn't there for them. Holding their hands. Catching them when they fell. I don't know. Now I can't avoid her. I can't say no. Or stop. Or not again. It always happens again. Sometimes I think maybe these are my true 'dawgs.' Maybe I know them for some reason. Maybe I keep taking them back because deep down inside we are all connected so closely. So tightly. "What you see in your friends, you see in yourself." That's the problem. They both represent a part of me. A piece. If only I could write an epic. One great story. One great one. I'd take care of everyone. I would, honestly. If only. If only inspiration would come and knock on my window. Let me see a little bit of the brilliance it has to offer me. One great character. I feel funny today. A little sick. Most likely from the drinking last night. Vodka makes me sick after awhile. Smirnoff 80 proof. I've down graded. It takes more of that to get me drunk. Maybe that's a good thing. Technology is hell. Our internet connection has been acting handicapped for the past few days. Last night I spent almost 2 hours trying to get online and never did win. I think maybe I'll write two entries today. This one and a story one. Write a little and search for my 'great one.' Maybe. Life is crazy I won't lie. My life has been messed up, turned around, and fucked up all over again. Usually it's me that causes all the commotion. All the useless pain. Usually it's me. Done for now.