"Two plus two is never really just four." Today has been a bust. A natural bust I believe. Nothing happened. Nothing will happen. I'm beginning to wonder if I've somehow upset the cycle of things. I don't know. Wen didn't call. She probably went, but didn't call. SEB hasn't called. She may be angry, and doesn't want to call. Dani didn't call. She doesn't have a phone so that may factor into it. No one's called. I am one of the loneliest people I know. I don't have a huge gaggle of friends or even aquaintances anymore. I have no one. No one I can really think of. No one I can really depend on for a safe and good time. It's depressing. Pat has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't really know why. It still hurts I guess. His rejection. It keeps coming up in my mind. It keeps lying there in my heart, repeatedly hurting me. I don't know why. I've been rejected before, many times. Well not exactly rejected. And maybe this is why I can't make any sense of anything. It goes like this: I meet guy. Guy seems weird at first. Annoying. I get used to guy. Guy and I start joking around. Talking. Laughing. (Dare I say) Flirting. Than things begin to go down hill. I show interest. Guy shows none. I end up hurt. I stop feeling interest. Guy starts showing more interest. Finally it all ends with the guy not contacting me or pushing for more. And I am left crying and hating myself for being such a fool. I think maybe love is something I need to give up on. I need to leave the whole idea alone. As my past has proven, I will never find what I'm looking for. Never. So I guess I'll get over this Pat thing. He's just another loser. Well loser to me anyways. So fuck: Mike. Zach. Vadim. Pat. Keith. And all the rest who don't know what they're missing. I'm done rambling for now. Done.