is up and down and up and down and around and down. maybe ill get fired. an odd thing to wish for i know. but maybe. if it happened. i wouldnt keep pushing for it. im trying to behave. im trying to make it work. grow up. be grown up. be mature. be an adult. and i just cant seem to get my mind around it. the process or the idea. and now im back to crushing on a worthless prospect. who. doesnt care. much. it doesnt matter. im only doing all of this because i hate myself. i think. my life is fine some times. i have fun. people love me. take care of me. want me. because. i am me. but. i feel alone. really. i feel like if i stay sober its going to be far too much. im too deep in. might as well keep going deeper. until i get buried. and its over. its odd how im not exactly suicidal but i am. i perfer the slow easy method of partying and drinking to death. i like to suffer i suppose. im not really sure why. i keep pushing it. and pushing. and one of these days. if not tomorrow. im doomed. done for. im glad im not drinking tonight. but i want it soo fucking bad. still.