i'm not sure as to what to say. or type. or think. anymore. i don't know how to handle it all. and put it all away. and hide it. and make it. and fix my mind. of desperate times. and i am but a shadow. on the wall. looking IN. i'm peeking. and hiding. and sneaking. and crying. alone. fuck you patrick. fuck the crush. fuck the boro. and the drinking. and the nights i spent wanting. someone else. who had someone else. who belonged to something else. and i can't change the way i am. the fucked up. torn up. twisted shit. i am. i can't. i can't. and i try. i try. i'll die trying. like robotic function it never ends. never ceases. never dies. goes on. living. and dying. and grieving. and lying. the ENERGIZER in the bunny. i want to live and breathe and move. i want to have and want and get. i want i want i want i want i want. and i can't. not yet. pause. breathe. relax. IT IS A BUMPY RIDE. this life. thing. o. i don't want to be here anymore. o. but i don't want her gone. o. i just want to live a bit. o. soon it won't be long. o. i'm scared and scared and happy. o. don't i know. don't you see i'm nothing i pretend to be. don't you see i'm nothing i pretend to be. don't you see i'm nothing i pretend to be. don't you see i'm nothing i pretend to be. don't you. see. i'm nothing. i. pretend to. be. some thing has got to give. dfn.