or so it seemed to be. i missed a day. although thats hard to believe. considering. ive been counting down the hours since ive been here. and i dont feel like settling anything back home. but. it will come down to that i suppose. i just want my car. and i want a tan. and some new clothes. and i want to start being someone else. because. the old me didnt work out too well. i figure since joe wont speak to me again. ill just send the money to his store. and hope for the best. i wont send it all at once. because. if i send 300. i cant be sure itll get there at all. and im not sure if he even has a mail box there. but. i dont know his other addresses. so this will have to do. i suppose. either way. i could just forget to pay. and i guess id like too. but. i did do wrong. and i didnt show any remorse at all. not really. im missing that i think. real remorse. for the things i do to other people. it always feels like a joke to me. always. as ive said i wish to be different. and sarah has left me on my own again. and this time i am desperately seeking stimulation. checking her pants. and shirts. and drawers for change. to cash in. and turn into alcohol. at least a bit of alcohol. i should have higher standards. but. i dont. not really. i hope i meet cool people through work. it would be nice to have friends. to at least get drunk or high with. again. i miss my people back home. the degenerates. and lowlifes. and the fun. and smiling. and all of that sentimental shit. i shouldnt miss. but. strangely. and regrettably do. ill have to show my face again there someday. and probably someday sooner then id like. because. i do have things to maintain and settle. and i need to give taz a home. he needs to find one. he cant spend the rest of his fucking life in a cage. in some pen. in some building. where no one understands him. i dont want to think about it. because. it hurts. and hurts. and i dont want to hurt today. because. im sure ill hurt much more later. afterall. it is the year of sorrow all over again. and i am slowly counting down the days until it got horrible. and then worse. and then she was gone. and stop me please. please. stop. me. from. thinking. because. it. hurts. sunday. i start my new job. with new money. and new things. to do and see and hear. and ill have to pay attention. my span has decreased quite a bit these past few months. i cant focus. and listening is far gone from me now. i miss the simplest of things. becaus. its. in. one. ear. and. right. out. the. other. i havent been walking around as much lately. im more self conscience lately. and. im not sure why. maybe its my chubbiness still. and my paleness. both things i wish and need and will change. because. this place is built on the exterior. and not the interior as theyd like you to believe. i need contacts. because. my glasses were also an innocent victim that night. and to think we were reunited on april fools day. and i betrayed him on the night the pope died. its a bit weird how things fall right in line with one another. and i bought my ticket on tax day. i do not regret leaving. not in the least. i just cant wait until i get started with more of a life here. because. this is quite a bit boring. from time to time. and i dont like boredom. idle hands. and such.