John may die in a few months. This is getting bad. Sarah hasn't called me still. My heart hurts for so many different reasons tonight. I want to cry. I want to go to sleep forever. I want to leave it all behind. We still haven't been down to the hospital. I am afraid to see him there. I am afraid. I feel so guilty it hurts my insides. Tearing me apart. We cried today, again. We've cried a lot these past few days. There will be more crying. They are sure he has cancer. They are sure he is a loss cause. Death is walking closer to us now. Whispering to us. Pleading with us. I am so sad tonight. Fuck Sarah if she doesn't call. Fuck her. What kind of friend? I get angry once. Annoy her once. Act different. And she doesn't care? I should've known she was like the others. O well, we were too different anyways. I want to vanish somewhere far away. I want to be gone. I want to be gone. Gone. Sarah called. I feel somewhat better. I want to apologize to her for being so different lately. It's the medication. I hope. It is. I know. I am different. Changing. Shifting. Slowly. It takes time I guess. I still feel small. I still feel horrible. SADNESS creeps deep down inside.