"Emptiness is a gift. Numbness is a punishment" I'd rather feel anything, than feel nothing at all. My heart is just numb today. Cold. Hollow. I don't like this feeling. I don't trust it. I'm afraid that it will keep growing until there's nothing left at all. I've been trying to remember what I was like before all of this. Before the 'change.' I call it the 'change' because I know there was a time in the past when I was different. I was a better person. A happier person. A good person. I'm not sure what happened. Than again, maybe everyone changes in one way or another. Well I'm sure they do. I just don't think my change was for the best. I was so compassionate before. So caring. So calm. So un-angry. I can remember those times, vividly. I can remember and it hurts. It hurts to know I wasn't always like this. That before I had a chance, and now I'm not so sure I'll make it. I think I was stronger now. Stronger, but still innocent. Now I'm bitter and cold and lonely. I don't know what happened, but I feel like I'm missing something. Like I lost a little piece of my heart along the way. And I need it back oh so horribly. It hurts. My heart hurts for whatever it is I lost. It aches and pleads. I don't know what any of this means. It's useless rambling. I'll do the usual tonight. Smoke up. Play around. Smoke some more. Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up. And hate myself and my life all over again. It's a painful and boring cycle. I need for something to happen. For something to change or shift. The balance isn't quite right anymore. Something needs to happen. I'm not sure what. Anything actually would be fine. Someday I will be fine. *Chant 5 times* Done for now.