is there for giving up on everything so very easily. with no reason and no cause just the because i just dont feel like caring. or maybe i cant care. or maybe i do. and i want to not. and if i dont want to then why do i keep dwelling on trying too? nothing makes much sense. nothing makes much sense. at all. to me. uts confusing. its ridiculous. its annoying. and saddening all at once. throw in a bit of happiness and you have an even larger mess. ive been alienating myself. for the past month or so. i let my phone remain broken for more then a month. i allowed myself to forget friends phone numbers. i allowed myself to stare through whomever comes near. i cant explain why. i get this way. why i push away the people i need so much. just because. i wish i had more of a motive for my own disposition. he says call me. but i wont. i cant. im not allowed. and this isnt his rule i realize. its my rule. and has been. for quite some time. and before i wasnt so well at it. but now im professional at letting him down. because i can. or at least think i sort of am. im too old. to feel any way. especially this way. all confused and young and carelee and couldnotcareless attitude. i want everything. and i loathe everything. all at once. so fucking easily. i wish if all things before i pass i could finally explain myself. i could finally understand myself and my life. my mind. my prison of thoughts that doesnt hold too tight but holds tight enough. by the way. i fucking hate the kardashians. i see no reason why theyre famous or important at all. honestly its a family of two slowly decomposing parents with three overweightpornstardaughterswithnohopeofevermakinganhonestmarkontheworld. i hope their television show gets cancelled and cancelled hard. im tired of overthehillnotevencelebritiesbutslightlyfamouspeople having shows. its ridiculous. fuck the rich. where/are the poor reality shows? grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. to all things annoying me.