it wasnt half bad this xmas. i went to a nice little get together. spent time with one of my all time favorite people. decided i am completely over the blonde boy. and spent some nice time with a family that wasnt mine but treated me as if i were. and gave rey a pretty sober xmas. as far as he knows. i am worried and excited about this new year. i am afraid i wont change. and sorta afraid that if i will. i didnt call home. i didnt call my aunt. ive decided i dont care about them. the rest of my little family. ive decided that i will probably go to erie once. and that is all. ive decided i will not spend the rest of my life in vegas. i need to move on and out and about a bit. just for fun. and alex is right. no wrong in travelling as long as i have a small place to return too. and i feel i do. we/ll see how it goes. i want to runaway to europe and honestly never ever ever look back. i want to disappear for 25 years and suddenly appear back home to collect or burn the rest of my belongings. i want to see how far i can make my body last. i want to live every moment the way i absolutely want. i want to indulge and stay a waste. i want to be a lost cause forever. and never grow up. not mentally. i dont give a fuck for maturity. i dont give a fuck for responsibility. basically. i dont give a fuck. im sitting here drinking. voddie. my friend. mine enemy. wondering if ill ever be more then i am now. if in this life i still actually have time to beat the clock. the race against time and creat my empire. drinking. still drinking. i wont. i know this. i know the one thing holding me back and still i refuse to let it go. i want to. ive tried. for a moment. but then. i say fuck all. and go right back to my bad habit. my wasted life. my time of just living like some high 14yr old with no ambition. or a ton of ambition but no drive to actually get there. i guess this is my way of killing myself. my secretsecret way of slowly killing myself so i wont really notice. or i can fain surprise when it does actually happen. i can pretend i never knew. and be through. and im not even sure why ive given up so easily. my mother would kill me with her bare hands if she were here. watching me waste all she loved. watching me let it all go just because. and i cant even use her death as just cause anymore. ive spent the past 3 years preparing my own death. for no reason. it isnt that im truly unhappy. im just truly destructive. i just dont know. if i make it one more year. ill be surprised.