zombie. i have done and said and seen it. i have felt pain. and still feel insane. and even after all. of these. months. months. eight of them. seven days it will be eight. months. even after all of these months it grows and grows and grows and swells. until i cannot breathe. to lose your heart. is to fall completely apart. to lose that one thing that made it all worth something is horror. terror to tough to swallow. you can feel your veins go hollow. it began sunday. and she died on a monday. 7 days before the day she gave birth to me. and excuse me. if it replays in my mind. all the fucking time. it began on sunday. easter. she was better. she tried convincing me. and herself. she ate the dinner i made. and we spoke like we used to before. and a little bit more. and she smiled. and i smiled. and by monday. monday. she was in the hospital. and they pulled me aside. "there's two masses" one in her head. one in her lung. and i feel the guilt grow stronger every damned day. because i woke her up to die. i woke her. i called. i brought her back. i had too. i was greedy. and seedy. by wednesday. they were in her head. cutting. and sawing. and breaking what little she had left. they said i couldn't sleep in intensive care. i couldn't sleep there. i bought her a small penguin. they were her favorite. and i still find myself saying "are" and "we" and there is no us anymore. thursday she woke and couldn't speak. and she was pissed. angry as she could be because she was lost. she had no idea. and no one told her. i. told. her. the. truth. i. sentenced. her. to. death. because they all assumed she knew. whispers. and tests. and poking at her chest. thursday she woke. tied to the bed. bewildered. and scared. and they took out her teeth. "would you like your teeth mom?" she nodded. and smiled. because through it all she never forgot me. she never forgot my name. i was her daughter. and they asked her constantly. "do you know her?" and she'd roll her eyes. because rolling her eyes was her. that thing in her. that beautiful anger in her. that she gave to me. in blood. she woke. and she stayed at the hospital for weeks. and they lied. pretended to care. until we couldn't get insurance. or medical card. "spend down" they sent her home with me. she couldn't remember where we lived. i held her hand the entire time home. and we both cried. i comforted. told her it would be fine. and lied. it was us for three long months. we argued. and fought. and left. and wept. and loved. and hugged her. and cleaned her. and the house. and it all kept falling apart. and i tried to make it right. and i let her sleep and sleep. because she hated it now. and she knew better. three months. and then she died. seven days before the day she gave life to me. she left me. she left. me. "i will miss you forever" and i will miss her for much longer then forever. it was us against it all. and now there's only me to take the fall. i woke her to die. regret is all i have left. and no one likes to listen. no one likes to hear. because it's all so sad. and sad. and sad. and no one likes to listen. no one likes to hear. and i can't stop it. the thinking. and dreaming. and why hasn't she sent me some sign. that she's okay and fine. now. why? no one likes to listen. no one likes to hear. and it grows so hard. to hold it in. and in. and in. and it builds up like an infection. aching. burning. turning me inside and out. no one likes to listen. i don't blame them. i. don't. like. to. think. about. it. but. there's no choice in the matter. my heart is plagued. i plead guilty. forgive me.