I know I wanted to put my stories and writing on here. tonight though i think i need to just vent instead. I mess things up. i fuck them up. I'm tired of routine. day in day out. I think I'm developing a blister in my mouth. Disgusting. I hope my tooth isn't becoming absest (sp). Something hurts. deep down inside. It aches. I can't explain. there are no more words. I've thought of inventing my own dictionary. Filling it with all the words I can think up. Make up. and then break up. M and I are at war again. I bought her a 12 pack today. she's been drinking ever since. I buy her beer so I can drink. I bought myself a pint of Smirnoff 80 proof. Drinking makes me ill. Vodka does. It's all I have right now. stimulation. Something to ease the thoughts. I am missing a life. i lost it somehow. I've wasted time pretending. Faking. Wanting it all to be okay. I've wasted time being lazy. And ignoring the facts. I felt safe in my world. all bundled up and warm. Now I want out. and i don't know how to escape. I want to be different. i need to be. I'm suffocating myself with being the same old me. day after day. I do have many great ideas. I am creative. But I feel so stuck. In this rut. Like I said before, I can't explain. The words just don't seem to find me anymore. My MUSE has gone on vacation. Fate has gone too. I guess I wish I cared just to care at all. The feeling is so strong this time. To leave. To head out. To pack my shit and count down the minutes until a bus leaves. I picture myself being happier in another place. Another space. I picture myself finally finding out who I am. And finally being satisfied with who I've become. Everything is off kilter. Balance has been lost. I am no longer centered. And it's slowly driving me mad. Even my thoughts, even the unique ones seem so repetitive now. So the SAME. My sense of being me is fading. I'd cry. but i can't. it just doesn't come anymore. I don't feel sad. or mad. or depressed. I don't feel suicidal. or hateful. I don't feel bitter. or careless. I just feel so empty. and tired. and lost. I thought about bleaching part of my hair. I don't know why. I guess my yearning for change is beginning to infect my entire body. It's like a virus I can't fight off. A horrible infection blooming in my heart. I don't have anyone to turn too. I don't really want anyone. I just don't know. I fuck everything up. DFN.