[stupidity at its finest] i just did a horribly dumb thing. i e mailed him. one last time. one more for the road. again. damnit. "classes suck." "i miss you." "goodbye." -a i'm a moron and i know it. an asshole. a yearning jerk with pity. on myself. he won't reply. and i know i don't have to worry. it shall be okay. i hope. maybe he's blocked me. and that's good. save me some embarassment. self-embarassment. damn me. and damn you. and damn it all. again. and again. i bought canvases today. and paints. and brushes. and a mixer-paint thing. and some thing else. i can't remember. i'm hoping he'll never get it. maybe it'll get lost out there in cyber space. like i said. maybe i'm blocked. all for the best than. i'm such a dork. a nerd. a geek. a passive loser. i'm such an ass. well maybe now. he'll be off my mind. gone. i'll be let down. and go all the way down. and leave it alone. easily. maybe? right? that's how it works, i'm sure. i hope. it's out there now. some stupid little e mail. with my stupid little message. now i can feel all pathetic and it'll be done with. gone. left alone. rotting. but gone. and i'll be fine. as i usually am. when things go bad. wrong. dead end. i want to paint. and i feel like it now. not all work is bad work. i'll paint when it comes to me. i think i'll do a special one for patrick. get it over with. let all my self-hatred go. the loathing. and finish it off with some matte spray. capture it for a moment. and turn it loose on the world. step back and watch. it all fall apart. while my emotions tear it to. fragments. pieces of nothing. and it'll be fine. one more day. another dumb thing. and the sun will rise tomorrow. and set all the same. i rule this world. i rule this game. "if only i were a writer." dfn.