No matter how many times it happens, I still get hurt when things don't go the way I want them too. I didn't see K today. I didn't enjoy seeing P. I am at a loss. I am trying so hard to let go of all this crap, but nothing seems to work. I am fasting this week. Until next Monday. I need to clean my system out. Start over. Start new. I guess I'm just sick of waiting for my turn. My chance. It's never going to happen, I should know this well enough by now. P sucks. K does too. K acted all interested before. Happy to see me. Than SEB and the next thing I know it's all history. It doesn't matter. I see things in bigger ways then they actually exist. I shouldn't be bothered by any of this. I wish I wasn't. It makes me feel pathetic. I won't call K ever again. I'll work on forgetting his number. I'll speak to him like before with uncaring distance. I won't embelish anything. I won't think about P either. I won't wait for him to call. He never will. I guess I am just desperate for love. Desperate for something. Something I'm so tired of missing. It hurts. It does. I won't lie about pain. Emotional or otherwise. I don't even know why it hurts. Why it all bothers me so much. Why I can't ever seem to let things go as easy as I pretend I can. SEB will call later. She'll be relieved to know that I didn't see or speak to K. She'll eventually see him. Speak to him. I'll be slightly jealous. For a small time. I let go before and I'll do it again. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't see him today. We don't need each other. We don't even really know each other. I just get so lonely sometimes. So desperate for something new. Some chance. It will never come. I will have wasted my whole life for a moment that will never, ever be here. I am sad right now. I think I'll stay sad today. It's crappy out anyways. I might as well match the weather. I am sad. Done.