should i be done with it should it be so fucking easy to leave in my past i miss my fucking small family with my mom and and john and the cat and the fucking dog am i crazy? am i wrong? missing all i ever fucking had? im sorry im sorry if mothersday gets under my skin when i look and see which card i wouldve bought her to tell her how much i loved her she was all i had dont you know no brothers no sisters not for real they dont care to own me "i remember when i lost my mind" gnarls barkley listen to him to them because it means something to me because very little does anymore i want to runaway because my memories haunt me even here 3000miles away today tomorrow and yesterday and the very next day forget it my fucking heart has been broken to pieces to a million little pieces right down to the bone im sorry i cant get over it im sorry i smother it until some thing hits hard against my heart and breaks and spreads and it hurts and i cry because i knew her i knew my mother through and through no matter what she says or said i knew her i met her once or twice and she let me be who i was with a bit of craziness on her part i would give anything to just have a conversation with her again i never really actually pictured her dead i pictured her close but not all of the way i held her hand goddamnit im sorry i watched her die minute by hour by day die infront of me it isnt about me its about her dying and hating it with every bit of her the cancer left behind she just wanted to be herself and i couldnt help her come back although we both wanted it so fucking much im sorry i cant let it go but fuck mothers day because my beautiful mother is dead burned to ashes and burned o i miss you so fucking much i just want to call you and hear you ive found your pennies when i feel down but it isnt enough i block it out from time to time because if i didnt id stop and just sleep die give up but i know better so i pretend im from someone else some place else but every now and then like tonight i remember so strongly how it felt to belong to you to be your daughter. your miracle if i could id start all over again and id be good better closer and nicer and lovelier i miss belonging to you and hating you and loving you and just knowing you and i cant stop crying tonight because i just cant im sorry i still feel so sad im sorry i cant let it go i have no one i wanted more for her believe it or not i wanted to do it for her to make it for her to buy her that house with that innocent picket fence and those horses and out of spite i wouldve because i had motivation i remember when i lost my mind it was holding my mothers hand while she died gripping mine so tightly so finally