and my thoughts are. and my hope. and deep down inside i wish he wouldve read me. for a moment or two. before letting me go. because. i need all the people i can get in life. and. i hate when i make one or two of them want to leave. because. i mess it up. one way or another or another. and. my hope is unwavering. and disappointing all the same. because. i know its all just a game. and. some times you win. but. most of the time you lose. and. when you do. you just have to let it die. i got hired. finally. and. i am happy. because. now. i wont have to leave so quickly. and. return defeated. back to that place. that dark place from which i came. to here. this place of light. and possibility. i do wonder how things are fairing in erie. i havent heard the best news. this past weeks. danielle is and has and will continue to fall off of the edge. and i worry about her. because. she is my only family. and friend. lisa and will are doing the usual. and. i wish i was there doing the usual with them. because. being sober doesnt fit me so well. not at all. makes my mind so bored and thoughtless. and. i need a bottle. or a snort. or a puff. but. none of that yet. until at least my new money gets here. and i can pay it all back. given i last at this new job. given i survive. and i will. because. thats what you do when theres nothing else. survive.